


do you remember?

by amemorymaze



Series: you're still a mystery [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, F/F, Girl Direction, Sexuality Crisis, background Larry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 11:40:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4099645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amemorymaze/pseuds/amemorymaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam; perfect, one hundred percent, straight girl Liam, and her best friend Louis Tomlinson are in their final year of school - ready to rule the world. That is until the girl Liam had spent her summer holiday with in a haze of heat, sweat and a few too many drunken kisses for it to be a mistake, moves to their school. </p><p>The year that was supposed to be theirs turns into a whole lot of whisky kisses, pining, coming outs and falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	do you remember?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justyrae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/gifts).



> this fic was honestly so much fun to write and considering i’ve never written ziam before and it’s one of the longest things i’ve written (like 18k+ in total!!!), i’m definitely going to do it again. do you remember is the main fic, behind the sea is a prequel of sorts. and i’m really kind of tempted to write the lourry sequel too. i just love this verse so much! 
> 
> thanks to all my lovely friends for helping me with this!! leia, celine and ashleigh for everything pretty much. (celine helped with the texting bits; i can’t take the credit for much of that). and also to kayla and elsa for listening (and helping) me headcanon and moan about plot. love u guys! <3
> 
> i'm on tumblr [here!!](http://www.amemorymaze.tumblr.com) follow me if you want!

 

+

 

“Clifford is being infuriating,” Louis says as she falls into step beside Liam, slinging her backpack over her shoulder before pushing the door open that’s in front of them. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, flicking from side to side as she moves.

Liam pulls at her leather jacket, stretching it across her body to protect it from the cool air outside as they walk across the playground, making their way towards the sixth form block. Louis scuffs her shoes against the gravel, scratching the black of her vans as she avoids a football aimed their way by those ratty year nines that are always hanging around outside their block.

Louis kicks the ball back with slightly too much force with the quiet mutter of; “Should’ve aimed for the balls.”

“When is he not?” Liam replies, ignoring her grumpiness and just lets Louis loop her arm through her own.

Louis just grumbles, shaking her head and flicking her fringe out of her eyes; “He’s even worse than normal,” she says, “Keeps going on about some new girls in the year below. Apparently they have, and I quote, ‘the nicest tits in the whole of the country’.”

“Well,” Liam says, “That’s just Mikey for you, ain’t it?”

Louis, shoving a hand in the pocket of her ripped at the knee, black skinny jeans, smiles wearily at her best friend and shrugs her shoulders as they make it into the warmth of the school building. Letting go of the tight grip on her jacket, Liam curses the constantly changing English weather and runs her fingers through her hair - trying to flatten it from where the wind had messed it up.

“Come on, Li,” Louis says, dragging her into the common room; “We need to claim our seats before the bell goes and all the bratty year twelves steal them. We need to establish our power as soon as we can.”

Liam rolls hers eyes, shaking her head with a soft grin. “We really don’t need to do that, Lou.”

She shoots a grin over her shoulder, pulling Liam along by the hand, “Yeah, I know. But I do want to get there before the boys otherwise we will probably be crammed on one seat together. It’ll be like last year all over again.”

Liam just laughs and lets herself be dragged through the door and pushed unceremoniously onto the sofas. She pulls out a Wispa before dumping her bag on the ground by her feet. “So, who’re these girls Michael’s been talking about?”

Bringing her feet up to sit cross-legged on her seat, Louis sighs, “Honestly? I have no idea. All I know is that they’re new, I think they started sixth form here yesterday. Unless they got boob jobs and suddenly got ‘really fuckin’ fit’, as Michael would say, they weren’t in year eleven with the others last year.”

Unwrapping her chocolate bar, she shrugs; “A few of them could pull off a boob job to be honest.”

“You been looking then, Payno?” Louis replies, raising an eyebrow with a cheeky smile on her face.

Liam pushes down the sting of hurt and doesn’t think back to her summer (the time spent _without_ her best friend) and instead, plasters a confused smile on her face and rolls her eyes; “Why would I be looking at them?”

Before Louis answers, she looks up and a grin stretches it’s way across her face; “Stanley!”

Liam takes a bite of her chocolate as watches with a small smile on her face and Louis jumps from her seat and runs at Stan Lucas. They’ve been friends since god knows when; since before secondary that’s for sure. Liam’s never bothered to ask - she just accepted it, accepted that becoming friends with Louis means becoming friends with Stan too.

She does wonder, however, if the two of them know that there’s a running bet on when they’re going to finally get together (despite Louis’ insistence that they’re just friends and that’s all they’ll ever be).

Louis’ talking at a mile a minute, barely letting Stan get a word in and Liam laughs, reaching forward and grabbing her hand, “Let ‘im breathe, Tommo.”

Shrugging, Louis sits back down next to Liam, pulling Stan onto the seat next to her and continues bombarding him with questions to which he answers with ease.

Liam sits next to them, content to listen in as they trade stories of their holidays, and eat the rest of her Wispa. She’s got geography next so she’s going to need the extra energy to get through it without falling asleep.

“Oh, that’s her,” Louis says, nudging Liam’s shoulder with her own just as Liam shoves the last of the chocolate in her mouth; “The new girl - well, one of them anyway.”

“Zayn,” Stan says, “That’s her name, I heard. Well fit, innit.”

As Liam looks up, it’s to find two blazing eyes staring into her own; a rich chocolate brown gaze that Liam would recognise anywhere. She feels her breath hitch in her throat and she blinks a few too many times in succession, praying that she’s hallucinating and hoping that this isn’t real.

It can’t be her.

Zayn’s sending an excited, bright smile towards Liam and despite all the fear and panic that’s flying through her brain, one coherent thought that’s prominent in her mind is that she’s still the most beautiful girl Liam’s ever seen.

Even when she’s not under the burning, spanish sun and laughing at Liam’s tales and stories or completely engrossed in her comic as she lays on her towel by the poolside, she’s a blazing light in Liam’s vision. Something she can’t look away from and doesn’t _want_ to look away from.

And all of a sudden, just like that, all the memories Liam had repressed since she had touched down back on her home soil are flying to the forefront of her mind. It’s a whirlwind of painting each others nails, styling their hair and walking across the moonlit beaches. It’s pushing each other in the pool and pretending to be super heroes as they play with her llittle sisters.

There’s heavy kisses and the way Zayn looked under the shower. It was waking up in the early hours of the morning to a body clinging to hers and the whispered confessions late at night.

Someone coughs beside her and Liam’s brought back to reality, to school and friends and a place where she _is_ afraid. She feels her hands shaking slightly, so she drops her chocolate bar wrapper in her bag and folds them together.

“Well,” Louis says, as she watches Zayn sit next to who Liam assumes is the other new girl; “She’s pretty, I’ll give Mikey that.”

 

+

 

At lunch, Liam finds herself tucked away in the corner of the sixth form area of the library. It’s mostly empty considering they’ve only just started school again. There’s a group of boys, who keep getting dirty looks thrown their way from the librarian, chattering away in the corner about things Liam really doesn’t care about.

She has a psychology book propped up in front of her that she’s pretending to read because she knows if she sits there on her phone for her entire free and lunch break, she’ll probably get kicked out.  

So she sits, trying to compose a text message that she _really_ needs to send, but ends up just scrolling backwards through old texts, right back to the very first one in this conversation. The one that had sent her phone ringing as soon as she’d turned it off of airplane mode.

It’s was only a short; _Miss you already :) x,_ but it had meant so much to Liam. To know that there was something tangible for her to look on - something that’s not just memories upon memories.

All of a sudden, there’s a body slumping down into the chair next to hers and Liam looks up in surprise.

“There’s two major problems with this whole set up,” Louis says, her eyebrows raised and she waves a hand in Liam’s general direction. “Firstly, we are two days into the school year; you do _not_ have any homework to do.”

Liam shrugs, “How would you know?”

“Alright then, say you did have homework, we both know the only time you come here is if your work is due in _next period_ or if you’re working on a group project.”

Liam locks her phone and puts it face down on the table, looking up at Louis with a sheepish smile on her face; “What’s the other problem then?”

“You don’t fucking take Psychology, dumbass.”

Liam laughs quietly, closing the book quietly and placing it gently back on the shelf behind her.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks and Liam feels her heart clench slightly at the expression on Louis’ face. Her hair is tied back with loose strands falling around her face but her lips are pursed slightly and her eyes are filled with worry. She looks so sincere that Liam could cry.

“How do you know something’s wrong?”

“Because the third reason you come here is when you’re upset about something and are avoiding all your problems.” The small smile drops from Liam’s face and she tangles her fingers together on top of the table, shifting uncomfortably; “Plus, you were acting off at break this morning.”

“Lou…” Liam begins, her voice stuttering slightly over the words and her mind is racing at a breakneck speed and she still doesn’t even know where to begin.

Louis just sighs, sweeping her fringe from her forehead; “Let’s just cut the whole ‘There’s nothing wrong Louis, I promise’ and skip to the bit where you tell me what’s going on so we can go home after school, eat Phish Food and watch The Notebook.”

“It’s - I, uh,” Liam manages, her hands growing slick with sweat.

Louis’ waits, expecting Liam to continue. When she realises Liam’s not going to say anything more she grumbles; “Bloody hell, Li. It’s like trying to draw blood from a stone.”

“Sorry,” she mumbles, looking down into her lap as she wraps an ankle around her chair leg.

Louis smiles weakly up at Liam, just the very corners of her lips tilting upwards in a sad expression. “I know I’m pushing, but, I just - I hate seeing you sad, is all. I don’t want you to be sad, Liam, but I can’t help if you don’t tell me what the problem is.”

There’s a small pause, barely a breath before Liam starts, closing her eyes as she speaks; “I know Zayn.”

Louis’ eyes widen in surprise and her mouth drops open slightly; “From your old school?” Louis just mistake the fear and surprise that’s lighting up Liam’s eyes for a confirmation, and her eyes narrow in anger. “Was she one of the girls that used to bully you?”

Liam panics; “I, um...” Her words tumble from her mouth, short syllables that makes little sense and the mess in her brain refuses to cooperate and her words don’t come out.

“And she has the audacity to come _here,_ god, what a bitch,” Louis starts, rambling as if she’s protecting Liam’s honour - acting like any best friend would. “It’s alright, we can just stay away from her, alright?”

Liam just nods shakily and tries to ignore the guilt that’s pooling in her stomach as Louis pulls her in for a gentle hug, and instead just breathes long, heaving breaths to try and calm herself down.

 

+

 

“Hey, Liam,” Zayn says, sitting down on the empty chair next to her, sending a smile her way and Liam freezes.

She looks up in shock, almost dropping the sandwich she has in her hands (the one she had gotten after spending _ages_ convincing Louis to go to Tesco with her during break) on the floor. She actually already had a very squashed cheese sandwich in the bottom of her bag, but she’d needed an excuse not to go to the common room and if she had to spend £3 to get a meal deal, so be it.

Pretending not to notice the way Louis’ is shooting daggers in Zayn’s direction, Liam smiles uncomfortably, fidgeting in her seat; “Zayn.”

Zayn narrows her eyes and Liam can see the hurt brimming on the surface; “I just wanted to say - ”

“She doesn’t want to hear it,” Louis says, her tone harsh and cold.

“Excuse me,” Zayn replies and, _oh no_ , Liam closes her eyes and tries to stop her shaking hands. This won’t end well; “Do I know you?”

Louis laughs and it’s not her usual bubbly, loud laugh that makes everyone in the vicinity smile - it’s unwelcoming and full of spite. “Of course you don’t, you’re new,” Louis says, rolling her eyes; “But I’ve heard enough about you to know I don’t like you.”

Liam flinches as Zayn shoots her a look that full of hurt and confusion. “Well,” Zayn says, getting up, brushing down the non-existent lint on her trousers; “I can tell when I’m not welcome. It was nice seeing you again, Liam, I guess.”

And then she’s turned on her heel and gone.

Liam lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of her nose that Louis must interpret as relief. “You alright?” Louis asks quietly, her voice soft. The bitchy note in her voice completely erased.

Liam shrugs; “I’m just gonna - I’m gonna go to the loo quick, alright?”

“Alright,” Louis says, a flicker of worry crossing her face.

“I’m okay,” Liam says, smiling, “Pinky promise.”

Louis smiles, holding her finger out and Liam catches it with her own; “Thanks, Lou.”

 

+

 

She’s splashing water on her face, trying to calm herself down; trying to eradicate the guilt from her body and get her breathing back under control.

Liam doesn’t really know how she’s managed to get herself in this mess - how she’s wound up like this. And, honestly, she can’t even hate Louis. Because all Louis’ done is stuck up for _her_ when Liam hasn’t had the courage to do it herself.

Looking up into the mirror, Liam starts when she sees a figure leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand as she blows smoke out of the window.

“What the fuck was that?”

“I - ” Liam begins, shifting on her feet uncomfortably, watching as the smoke uncurls from Zayn’s lips.

“All I wanted to say,” Zayn begins again, her voice soft - quiet, “All I wanted to tell you, is that I told my parents. I came out to everyone - I told them, said I was bi, like you said you did. Thought, oh, if Liam can do it, if she has the courage to do it, I can.”

“Zayn…”

Letting out a hollow laugh and shaking her head, she stubs her cigarette out on the window ledge before flicking it out of the window; “It wasn’t true was it?”

“You can’t tell anyone,” Liam blurts out, her face reddening; “Please.”

“I - ”

The door is swinging open and Niall, the blonde irish girl from the year below, comes barging in, giggling; “Wondered what happened to you, Zayn.”

Zayn shrugs; “Came for a smoke.”

Nial wrinkles her nose for a second before smiling up at Liam; “Alright, Liam?”

Liam nods, trying to plaster a smile on her face and just watches as the two girls leave, Zayn brushing past with barely a touch. But enough of one that it has Liam’s skin tingling. She waits for the door to slam shut and for the room to go silent before she’s grabbing at the edge of the sink, trying to get her lungs back in order.

 

+

 

With sweaty hands and a racing mind, she sends a series of texts over the space of three days:

  1. _im sorry_
  2. _please don’t tell anyone_
  3. _zayn?_



A day later she recieves one back; _i’m not going to out you to the entire school, who do you think i am?_

All the can think as she reads the text when sitting outside on the patio is the mantra that’s been running through her mind since the beginning of term; _I’m not gay._

 

+

 

Liam’s shoving her pencil case into her bag when she opens the door behind her with her back, her mind whirling with music and melodies and lyrics. She stumbles slightly, flinging her bag over her shoulder before turning around.

Straight into Zayn Malik.

“Hi,” she says quietly, pushing her hair from her face and wishing she had a hairband to tie it up with.

“Liam,” Zayn replies, her voice cold, about to turn away when she changes her mind; “Did you really think I would tell people?”

“I, I don’t know,” Liam says, barely looking Zayn in the eyes, “I panicked.”

Zayn shrugs, “I gathered that much.”

“I’m so - ”

“So all those times you would text me, wishing that we were closer and that you wished you could see me everyday, were a lie?” Zayn says, cutting Liam off, hurt lacing her words as she shakes her head at Liam, pushing her bag onto her shoulder more securely. “Everything you said about all your friends being accepting and your parents being fine with it - none of it was true?”

“I’m not gay,” Liam says with wide eyes, full of fear.

Zayn lets out a short, humourless laugh, “I didn’t even -” she sighs, cutting herself off before shrugging; “Whatever, Liam. I guess the girl I met in the summer isn’t who I thought she was.”

Liam flinches; “Z, please - ”

Shaking her head, Zayn just shoots Liam a wistful, half-hearted smile before turning on her heel and walking away. Her Doc Martens clacking against the steps, echoing around the stairwell as she goes. Liam just breathes out a long, heaving sigh as she leans backwards.

Instead of leaning against the wall as she thought was there, she loses her footing as the door that’s actually behind her swings back with her weight. Dropping her bag, the contents sprawling across the floor, she lands with a painful thump on her bum.

“Fuck,” she mutters before dragging her knees up to her chest and slumping into them. She breathes heavily, trying to process the last ten minutes and all the emotions that are running through her body.

As she begins to gather all her things, shoving them haphazardly into her bag, she shakes her head, just glad that there was no one around to see her make a fool of herself.

 

+

 

“New girl’s bisexual, apparently,” Louis says as she sits down opposite Liam, “that’s according to Luke anyway, and we all know he gets his information from Clifford so it could be complete bullshit.”

Liam tries to keep her voice steady as she continues finishing her homework for next period; “Who? Zayn?”

“No,” Louis says and Liam can almost hear her rolling her eyes, “Harry Styles - you know, long, brown hair, always has a scarf in it?”

“Oh,” Liam breathes. “How do they know?”

“Fuck knows,” Louis says, shrugging; “But someone should probably tell her not to tell all her secrets to Michael Clifford.”

“Come off it, Lou,” Liam sighs, “He wouldn’t out anyone.”

“Only himself,” Louis mutters under her breath, a sly grin on her face.

Trying to hush Louis between her giggles, Liam says, “He told us that in _confidence,_ Lou.”

“He drunkenly told us how pretty he thinks Luke’s eyes are, Li, I don’t think that counts as telling us in confidence,” Louis replies, laughter in her eyes.

Liam shrugs; “Well, his drunk self obviously thought we were trustworthy enough.” She pauses for a moment, thinking to herself before; “You reckon he’ll ever do anything about it?”

“What? About fancying Luke?” Louis shrugs, “I haven’t got a fucking clue.”

“What’d you reckon would happen if they went out?” Liam asks as she looks down at the worksheet she’s supposed to be filling out, avoiding all eye contact.

“They’d probably kiss a lot, maybe fuck - scratch that, they’d definitely have sex,” Louis says, propping her feet up on the empty chair next to them; “I don’t know, Liam. Why are you even asking?”

Liam shrugs, “Just wondering,” she mutters under her breath.

And, well, that’s the end of that.

 

+

 

Year thirteen, as Liam soon find outs, isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. She’d naively half-expected it to be a lot of going out, getting drunk (when Louis drags her out), skipping lessons and sleeping through free periods. Instead, it’s a lot of deadlines and UCAS applications and open days and everyone figuring out what they’re going to do with themselves after sixth form.

And Liam - well, Liam has no clue. So she thinks that maybe her breakdown is justified.

It’s after lunch, last period of the day, when she makes her way to the library. She guesses that she could maybe finally start looking through the website and the university brochures that are scattered around the library.

She scuffs her shoes against the floor as she pulls the library door open and finds an empty desk and just stares at the brochures in front of her. All of a sudden, it’s too much - there’s too much flying around her head and it’s as if something snaps.

Liam presses the heels of her hands into her eyes trying not to let the tears fall but they fall anyway and her breath hitches slightly.

“Liam?” Comes an all too familiar voice that she’s not sure she has the mental capability to cope with right now. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Liam says, looking up with a shaky smile on her face as she wipes the back of her hand underneath her eyes; “I’m fine.”

Zayn smiles sadly, hesitates slightly before dropping down into the chair next to Liam. “Hey,” she says, reaching over and pulling Liam into her arms; “No you’re not.”

 _Why did you ask?_ Liam wants to say, but she keeps her mouth shut and lets her muscle memory take over as she wraps her arms around Zayn’s shoulder and burying her face into the crook of her neck. She tries to steady her breathing but there are tears gathering in her eyes anyway.

“Lou,” Liam hiccups; “Lou’s going to London.”

“Okay,” Zayn says, rubbing a hand over Liam’s back in a comforting gesture.

Liam sits up slightly, rubs her hands together as she speaks, “Like, she’s gonna go to uni there or summat - I don’t know. She was so excited to tell me and I want to be happy, I want to be able to celebrate with her but…”

Zayn nods, her brown eyes wide and understanding and that just makes Liam want to cry more; “Yeah?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t - I’m writing a personal statement,” she lets out a hollow laugh, shaking her head, “For a course I know for sure I don’t want to do and I don’t even know if I want to go at all, Z. I don’t know anything and I feel so _stupid_.”

“Don’t,” Zayn says, lifting a hand, brushing it against Liam’s jaw, “You’re not stupid.”

Liam shrugs her off, shaking her head; “I don’t know what to do.”

“Come on,” Zayn says, pulling a notepad from her bag along with some coloured pens; “We’re going to write a list.”

“A list?”

“Yeah,” Zayn says, smiling softly over at her; “And we can make it all pretty like.”

Liam breathes. “Okay,” she says, nodding her head briefly, “Okay.”

And when she walks home, she has two rainbow coloured lists (which, oh, the irony), a much better idea of her future and a lot of very confusing feeling rattling about in her chest.

 

+

 

It’s not that she had meant to listen in, not intentionally anyway. It’s just that they had decided to stand right next to her at Louis’ football match and they weren’t exactly talking in whispers.

“So,” Niall says, nudging Zayn with her elbow; “I hear a lot of the boys proper fancy you.”

“They do?” Zayn says, eyes wide in surprise and Liam tries not to bristle at that information.

“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Niall says in a way that would be flirty if it were anyone but Niall.

“Thanks,” Zayn says and Liam can picture the blush that’s spreading across her cheeks, the blush that she’s seen countless times.

“So, you got a boy back in Bradford?”

“Oh,” Zayn replies and Liam tries to concentrate on the game in front of her, on her best friend (not her ex-something). “No, I - there was someone, but…”

Liam clenches her hands together and tries not to get herself worked up but:

“I guess it just didn’t work out between us,” Zayn says and Liam can feel her gaze on her but she doesn’t react, doesn’t give in and doesn’t let her eyes flicker up and meet those brown eyes she’s been dreaming of.

 

+

 

They’re in Liam’s back garden with a bottle of vodka and not enough mixer, basking in the last of the summer sun that’s already a lot cooler than mere weeks before. Louis’ got her feet propped up on their garden table as she takes a sip of her vodka lemonade.

Liam sits on crossed legs, cradling her drink in both hands as she tilts her head back and looks up at the sky. Her vision has already slowed down slightly from the alcohol that always tends to hit her much faster that Louis.

“Sixth form sucks,” Liam says, a pout on her lips.

Louis groans; “God, don’t even remind me. I have an essay due in next week that I haven’t even started yet.”

Liam lets out a short laugh; “So,” she says, “London, huh?”

“I - ” Louis begins, shrugging, “It’s just, that’s me, y’know?”

Liam nods because the truth is, as much as she’d hate to admit it, London would suit Louis. London is all crowded streets and a constant wave of movement, it’s loud nights and quieter mornings. It’s everything Louis is and everything what she wants to be.

“Imagine,” Louis says with a laugh, stretching her hands out over her head; “Tommo takes LDN.”

Liam smiles, tilting her head to the side slightly; “Yeah,” she says, “Yeah, I can imagine.”

 

+

 

Louis falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow, but Liam lays there underneath the covers, restless. Her head is spinning from too much alcohol and -

“Why,” Liam tries not to slur or talk too loudly, “Why do you let me treat you like that?”

“Li - ”

“No,” Liam says, shaking her head, “I’ve treated you like complete crap and you - you don’t deserve any of it, Zayn. You deserve so much more. I can’t - I don’t know. I’m not strong or brave and you - you _are._ ”

She’s barely even aware that she’s rambling, focusing on getting her words out right, focusing on getting Zayn to listen and ensuring she understands.

“I’m sorry, okay?” She says, her voice slurring and tripping over her words, “I’m sorry I’m not strong enough for you, that I’m not who you thought I was.”

“That’s - ” Zayn sighs, the sound coming through as static, “Just call me again when you’re sober, alright?”

And then she hangs up and Liam’s left looking at her phone, Zayn’s contact still up.

 

+

 

“I had a really fucking weird dream,” Louis says, as she sits on top of the kitchen worktop, kicking her feet against the cupboard doors in a steady rhythm that should be irritating.

“Yeah?” Liam says, taking a sip of water and trying to ignore the headache bursting behind her eyes as she cooks.

“You drunk dialled Zayn Malik, right, like, in the middle of the night apologising or some shit.”

Liam freezes for a split second, her eyes wide as memories rush back. She fumbles with the glass in her hand, managing to spill the water down her top.

Louis laughs, shaking her head; “You’re impossible when you’re hungover, you know that right?”

Laughing it off, Liam takes the change in subject. “Come off it, Lou, you’re way worse than me.”

“Whatever,” Louis says, sliding off the counter and grabs their plates with the bread on it; “Is it ready yet?”

“Uh huh,” Liam mumbles, as she forks the bacon onto their plates, not thinking about it. Definitely not thinking about it.

Louis scoffs down her bacon sandwich in minutes whilst Liam just chews at it slowly, trying not to think about the phone in her pocket and the way she wants to check her call log - wants to see if it was a dream.

It’s not until she’s eaten two thirds of her sandwich that she pushes her plate away, ignoring Louis’ look of surprise.

“I need…” Liam begins, touching the phone that’s in her pocket; “I’m just gonna go to the loo.”

“You’re not gonna vom, are you?” Louis says, a frown crossing her face; “Surely you didn’t drink enough to vom.”

Liam rolls her eyes, “No, I’m not gonna throw up, Lou.”

“Alright,” she says, shrugging as she finishes off her sandwich, “I’m gonna steal some of your leggings and we can watch Clueless, yeah?”

“Okay,” Liam says, a genuine smile on her face as she leaves the room; “Yeah, sounds good.”

She pulls her phone from the pocket the moment she’s out of the kitchen, taking the stairs two at a time as she looks at her recents calls.

Locking the bathroom door, she sighs to herself, shaking her head as her heart and stomach drop. Because - she had in fact called Zayn at precisely 2:03am. She presses the message button before she realises what she’s doing and sinks down to the tiled floor.

She tries to breathe - tries not to panic as she composes a message; _i’m so so sorry z, i was drunk and stupid. ignore evrythin i said yea?_

Dropping her head against her knees, she feels the tears prickling at her eyes because she’s messed everything up. Everything she’d tried to hide and, _god,_ Louis heard. She _heard_ her talking about Zayn and -

Her phone pings with a message and Liam hesitates for a moment before reading it.

 _it’s okay,_ Zayn replies and Liam cringes because even through text she sounds exasperated and done, _at least your apologising to me sober this time._

Then a few seconds later; _i hope you’re sober anyway._

And despite the situation, Liam lets out a short breathless laugh and feels a fraction lighter if only for a split second.

_I really am sorry, you know._

With that she shoves her phone into the pocket of her trackies and takes a deep breath before going back downstairs.

“Y’alright?” Louis says, her eyes narrowed in concern.

Liam smiles brightly, sprawling across the sofa next to her best friend, “Perfect.”

“Let’s watch clueless and have a bitch. I don’t think I’ve told you everything Clifford told me in business the other day yet.”

Liam smiles softly; “No, I don’t think you have,” she says, cuddling up to Louis, “Tell me everything.”

As Louis rambles and the film begins, Liam tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her chest. The one that’s crushing her, taking all of her concentration, because her phone hasn’t vibrated - hasn’t alerted her to another text.

And she knows, _she knows,_ that it’s stupid, that she shouldn’t be so reliant on a text, but she is. She just wants them to be okay and she wants to feel better in herself and she wants everything she had this summer but -

She’s scared. Terrified. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that her hands shake and her mind goes blank whenever the thought crosses her mind.

So she just cuddles up closer to her best friends decidedly doesn’t think about her summer because she’s definitely _not gay._

 

+

 

“So,” Louis says, kicking her feet against the counter in Liam’s kitchen that she’s sitting on; “Has she spoken to you since?”

“Huh?” Liam replies, taking a sip of her tea. School had been tiring - coursework and essays and exams looming; “Who?”

“Zayn,” Louis rolls her eyes, as if it were obvious

“Oh, um - ”

“Zayn?” Liam’s mum says, walking into the kitchen a smile on her face; “Malik?”

“Uh - ” Liam says, her eyes wide in fear; “Yeah.”

Louis is trying to shoot apologetic looks over at Liam, who knows exactly what’s coming. Knows exactly what her mum is going to suggest.

“You didn’t tell us they lived here?”

“Oh, um,” Liam says, closing her eyes as her mum turns her back on her; “Yeah. They moved at the beginning of the year.”

“Why didn’t you say?” Karen says, shaking her head, “We would love to see the Malik’s again.”

“I just didn’t think to say.”

Karen rolls her eyes; “Well, you go give that Zayn a text and invite them all over for dinner, okay?”

Liam can’t do anything but nod her head and give her mum what she hopes is a convincing smile.

 

+

 

“Is she really going to yours for dinner?” Louis says, sitting on the edge of the table in the music room.

“Apparently so,” Liam says as she tinkles on the piano. Thinking back to the short few texts they had exchanged.

 _Mum wants me to invite you and your family over for dinner,_ Liam had text.

Zayn had been quick to reply with; _do you want to invite us?_

 _yes_ Liam had replied and then _I wish it was summer again_

 _i’ll get my mum to talk to your mum and they can sort it out okay?_ Zayn had text and then a few moments later another one, _i wish it was summer again too_

“I’m sorry, Li,” Louis says as she watches Liam; “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay,” Liam sighs, (It’s not), “It was bound to happen at some point anyway, might as well get this over with.”

 

+

 

It goes a little like this;

With unsteady hands as she turns down the heat on the stove, the doorbell rings. Liam jumps in her skin despite expecting it, almost spilling the gravy in the process. She tries to stop her shaking hands as she wipes them on the tea towel before going to greet their guests.

Loud exclamations of joy and happiness and kisses on cheeks. It’s fake smiles on Liam’s part that turn real as she watches Zayn shrug off her damp coat, hanging it on the hook.

“Hi,” Liam says, staring at her feet; “How are you?”

And Zayn - Zayn looks so gorgeous. In black skinny jeans and that cropped batman tee with her hair pulled up into a messy bun, she slips off her vans.

“I’m good,” she says, smiling softly, “I’m good.”

 

It goes a little like this;

The feelings of summer despite the rain outside. The feeling of belonging as they all share stories of school and university and everything inbetween. It makes Liam feel like she’s back with the portuguese sun beating down on her neck as they eat dinner together. She laughs at Safaa’s story of some of the girls in her class this week and smiles as Zayn talks about watching Louis’ football match.

Liam feels happy.

 

It goes a little like this;

As their sisters play mario kart on the wii and their parents load the dishwasher talking about boring work things, Liam and Zayn go upstairs.

 

It ends a little like this;

Slamming the bedroom door shut behind them, Liam tries to control her breathing, watching Zayn.

“So,” Zayn says, wandering around Liam’s bedroom.

“So,” Liam repeats, not knowing what to say, not knowing what she can say.

“You know,” Zayn says, thumbing over a picture of Liam and Louis on her corkboard; “I was so amazed during the summer. I was so - I was in awe, I guess.”

Liam just holds her breath and sits down on her bed, avoiding Zayn’s gaze.

“I wondered, the _entire_ time, I wondered why on earth this strong, beautiful, brave girl would have even the slightest bit of interest in me. I didn’t understand.” Zayn turns around, her eyes overly bright and Liam can’t look, can’t stand to see the hurt brimming there; “Then,” she laughs humourlessly, “I turned up at school and you were there. It was like - I was so happy, Liam. I thought to myself, she’s here. She can stay in my life. I could fall in love with her.”

Liam pulls in on herself, one hand gripping her other wrist. “Z - ”

Zayn cuts her off; “I was _crushed._ I went home and I cried, Liam. I thought, well, this is it then. I came out to my family because of you. You gave me the confidence to do it, you gave me that power and then you just - you brushed me off and your friend was so nasty. And it was all an act.”

“It’s not,” Liam says, knowing that it’s a lie; “I - it was the best summer of my life.”

“Me too,” Zayn says with wet eyes and a choked off laugh; “I fell in love with someone that doesn’t even exist.”

 

+

 

Liam doesn’t necessarily not want to be here per say. It’s more that she wants to want to be here more than she does. But as always, it isn’t feasible for her to go home now, especially since it’s her best friend’s best friend’s birthday slash almost-end-of-term party that’s been in the works for months now. She knows just how much effort has gone into planning this thing; from the music to the decorations to the alcoholic punch (complete with rum-soaked strawberries).

So she had sucked it up, done her makeup; winged eyeliner and red lips, trying not to get any on her new white lace top and had let her mum take photos of her before she left to put on facebook (with what is undoubtedly going to be a cringe-worthy status). In her maroon heels with the short golden studs all over the back that match her chiffon skirt that flows around her legs, she walks through the hallway of Stan’s house.

The house is crowded, people shouting their hellos over the loud music, laughing and dancing in the darkened rooms. She spots Louis almost immediately - always the one in the centre of attention.

Hanging off Stan’s neck as they stand on the coffee, Louis’ table dancing to Katy Perry, which tells Liam exactly how much she’s had to drink since she absolutely despises Katy Perry when she’s sober. But she just laughs as she watches her best friend kick her feet up behind her as she screams the lyrics.

Louis’ wearing a black skater skirt, paired with a matching strappy black crop top. A multitude of golden necklaces that Liam is sure she’d borrowed from her sisters hang around her neck and her hair is in a messy bun, curls falling from it. She has black strappy heels on and Liam is sure that she’s never seen Louis in heels that high before.

The moment Louis spots Liam in the doorway to the lounge she jumps off the table, laughing as she stumbles into that Max kid from the year below.

“Payno!” She shouts, throwing her arms around her neck; “Isn’t this the bestest party ever?”

Liam grins, “Of course it is, Lou.”

“You’re not drinking,” Louis says, frowning at the lack of drink in Liam’s hands then at her own hands; “I haven’t got a drink. Let’s go get a drink.”

Liam laughs as she gets dragged into the kitchen; “I know you like, only have one kidney, but -” she begins as she pulls two plastic cups from the stack and tips what looks like a harmful amount of Jack Daniels into the cup, “you’re gonna drink tonight right? It’s like, it’s _tradition_ , Li. End of term, Stan’s birthday. You’ve gotta.”

Rolling her eyes, Liam smiles at Louis and accepts the drink handed to her. It’s kind of strong and kind of gross, but Liam drinks it anyway, laughing as Louis pulls her back into the lounge as Kesha starts playing through the speakers.

 

+

 

She’s drunk. Absolutely, completely plastered.

“I’m drunk,” she says, giggling as she watches Louis fight Stan for the bottle of tequila she’d gotten him for his birthday.

“No shit,” Louis says, slurring slightly as she takes a shot from the bottle of tequila.

The cold, winter air is harsh against her skin, causing goosebumps to form on her arms and legs. Fresh air was supposed to clear her mind, it was supposed to make her feel more sober. It wasn’t supposed to just make her _cold._ “It’s cold,” she says, shivering.

“No shit,” Louis replies, laughing as Stan pushes her off of his lap. He shuffles closer to Liam, putting his arm around her shoulders.

She looks over a shoulder and immediately wishes she hadn’t. The first thing her gaze falls on is Zayn in a skin-tight red dress. Her curves on show and her silky skin that Liam itches to touch again.

That Liam itches to have the right to touch again - the permission to touch again.

She’s dancing so very close to Harry and Liam tries not to care - tries to put it to the back of her mind. But then she watches as Zayn moves even closer her mouth so very close to Harry’s and their eyes catch.

Zayn’s got a fire in her eyes that Liam doesn’t recognise, a burning passion that she can only dream of. She feels herself grow warm, her cheeks flushing even in the cold winter air.

Pulling her gaze from Zayn’s, Liam moves closer to Stan, ignoring the way Louis’ gaze is flickering between her and Zayn. She’s far too drunk to even worry about what she thinks.

 

+

 

Her head is spinning as she leans against the wall, waiting for whoever to come out of the loo. She doesn’t need to go, not really, it was more that she just needed to leave the temptation of more alcohol.

She freezes as she looks up, her eyes growing wide. Liam would blame the alcohol that’s running through her veins but it’s mostly the way Zayn looks. Her eyes smokey and blown wide from alcohol and her lips are a bright red and just so kissable.

Pushing herself off the wall, her and Zayn collide. Their lips press together in a frantic kiss. She doesn’t think, something she’s being doing a lot of lately. Tuning out the voices in her head she just kisses with a fiery passion.

Closes her eyes and remembers the feeling of Zayn’s lips under hers, remembers how she’d felt. There’s the phantom taste of salt on her lips and Malibu on her tongue that she just can’t shake.

Her blood is burning, boiling in her body and everything is going so fast yet so slow.

It’s when Zayn gasps as Liam bites at her lower lip that she pulls back. Eyes darting around, making sure no one had seen, that no one is looking. And Zayn’s pushing her back, her eyes angry and Liam cowers in on herself.

“Liam,” Zayn says, “You can’t do this to me.”  

“Sorry,” she says, her voice small as she finds her footing. “I’m sorry.”

And not waiting for a response from Zayn she bolts - picking up her shoes and racing down the stairs. Her head's still spinning and she feels like she might throw up at any point.

She just needs to be out of here. She just needs to be gone.

Liam barely makes it across the road before she’s throwing up. In the bushes outside that old playground they always used to go to with her heels in her hair and her feet stinging.

The last thing she really remembers is a hand on her back and the tears under her eyes.

 

+

 

“So apparently,” Louis says, sitting next to Liam in the common, who starts in surprise, “Stan really likes you.”

“What?” Liam says in surprise, eyes wide as she looks over at her best friend; “No he doesn’t, shut up.”

“Well, he seems to think you like him back considering the way you were all snuggled up to him at the party,” Louis says, a brash harshness to her voice.

“I - ” Liam says, hands shaking; “What?”

“Look,” Louis says, sighing, “I know he’s one of my best friends, blah blah blah, etcetera, but you can tell me if you like him, you know? I’m not gonna understand why, but I don’t understand why you can’t come and talk to me about it. I thought you told me everything.”

“I - ” Liam repeats, words tangled and stuck on her tongue. Every memory she has of the party is Zayn, Zayn, _Zayn._ Kissing Zayn outside the loo, in the hallway where anyone could’ve seen. She remembers stumbling home, throwing up in a bush. She remembers Louis being there. But she doesn’t remember what she said.

She’s never felt so vulnerable in front of her own best friend.

“Lou,” she begins and there’s tears welling up in her eyes; “Lou, I - ”

“Come on,” Louis says, grabbing their bags in one hand and pulling Liam by the other; “Not here, okay?”

And Liam just lets herself be pulled from the common room and into the toilets, her only focus on fighting back the tears burning behind her eyes. She had one hand fiddling with the necklace around her neck and the other slick with sweat as she grasps on to Lou.

“I - ” she says, her voice shaking. Not daring to let go of her best friend’s hand, she let’s it work as an anchor holding her down and keeping her steady. “I’m gay.”

Liam feels Louis squeeze her hand and that’s all she needs before the dam breaks and the tears fall. It’s all her bottled up emotions finally coming to the surface.

It’s the fear, the sadness, the heartbreak. It’s everything that’s be flying around in her head since she’d touched back down on english soil. It’s regret and guilt that’s clawing inside her chest.

It’s the hope that she’s barely dared to dream of finally becoming a reality. There’s the feeling of being a tiny step closer to be who she wants to be and who she dreams of being.

Liam sobs into her best friend’s chest, their hands still clasped together in the empty room. One of Louis’ hands is cradling the back of her head and she knows that she’s probably getting mascara all over Louis’ nice new top but she can’t bring herself to care all that much.

There’s the distant sense of relief as her sobs start to die down and hiccups rattle her chest as Louis just pulls her closer.

The two girls stand there with their by their feet in the middle of the girls toilets. the mirror behind them is broken and smeared with lipstick and the light above them is flickering ever so slightly.

Liam finally pulls away ever so slightly with her eyes downcast and avoiding Louis’ gaze.

“Sorry to steal your thunder, babe,” Disentangling her hands, she reaches up and wipes the tears from Liam’s cheeks. With a small smile on her face, she continues; “But I think I’m a tiny, little bit in love with Harry Styles.”

Liam chokes out a short laugh as she shakes her head a little, pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her hands so she can wipe her damp eyes. “Harry?”

“It just kinda - ” she starts, shrugging as she let’s the sentence fade out. Liam can see her slightly shaking hands and the way her eyes are darting around the room and just leans forward, clasping their hands together again.

“I’m a little bit in love with Zayn Malik.”

Liam watches as all the tension leaves Louis’ chest, watches as she straightens her back, watches how she seemingly puts herself back together in seconds. “Yeah,” she says, a smile (albeit slightly sad) on her face; “You and half the school, mate.”

Louis sighs and Liam flinches because she knows the realisation Louis’ come to. “She was never a bully, was she?”

“No, I - ” Liam starts, feeling her chest begin to rise up and down in panic. Closing her eyes, she focuses and breathes in and out in a short rhythm; “No,” she says, lifting her eyes to Louis’. “I’m sorry, Lou.”

Louis just shakes her head; “I’m going to pretend I’m not mad, okay? But, Jesus, Li. I need to apologise to her. I need to like - fuck. She must hate me.”

“She doesn’t,” Liam says, her eyes wide as she shakes her head violently. “I - I’ll tell her about it, okay? She’ll understand. She knows you’re just being my friend - my best friend. I just didn’t know how to tell you and it was so much easier to let you roll with how you _thought_ things were instead of explaining. I didn’t even know myself, Lou. If I didn’t even know myself, how was I supposed to even think about telling someone else.”

Louis sighs, her hands still tangled with Liam’s. “Except her.”

“Well,” Liam says, tilting her head to the side, a smile on her face; “Obviously.”

“I may be a bit mad at you,” Louis says, poking Liam’s chest but the smile on her face tells Liam everything she needs to know; “But I demand details. Everything. How did you really meet? Where did you meet? Are you in a secret relationship? When did you first kiss? Have you had sex?”

Liam blushes, the red tinge causing Louis’ eyes to grow wide and her smile to grow as she claps her hands in glee. “Oh my god,” she says, “You totally have. You had sex before me. I can’t believe this. Come on, Li, details.”

Louis jumps on the counter, still rattling on question after question and that’s when Liam knows that it’s all going to be fine.

She’s going to be ok.

 

+

 

Louis groans as she sits down on the seat next to Liam, burying her head in Liam’s shoulder. “I am so done with today.”

Liam smiles down at her best friend, draping an arm around her shoulder; “It’s barely eleven, Lou. You wanna talk about it?”

“Nope,” Louis says, sitting up and grabbing a packet of skips from her bag; “No, not at all.”

“Alright then,” Liam says, a fond smile on her face as she rolls her eyes before stealing a skip from Louis’ hand.

“Ugh, look at them,” Louis says causing Liam to follow her gaze across the common room. Against the far wall is Zayn, Harry and Niall sitting together around a table. Liam gets distracted, watching the way Zayn hair fall in front of her face and how she just brushes her fringe from her face, laughing at something Harry had said. “They’re so up themselves. Who wears heels to school?!”

Liam frowns, watching the way Harry kicks her feet out underneath the table as she stretches her legs. They’re only small heels.

“Also,” Louis says and Liam has to suppress a sigh because she’s using _that_ tone. The one she uses when she’s about to start a neverending complaint about something that isn’t even worth complaining about (in Liam’s opinion anyway). “Who wears shorts in this weather, is she actually crazy? It’s fucking freezing.”

“Lou,” Liam says, poking Louis gently in the side, “Stop it. You’re being mean.”

“Am not,” Louis says, looking at Liam with an offended look on her face. She frowns her eyes narrowing as if to say; _why aren’t you on my side?_

Liam just shrugs; “I’m over it, okay. Just - let’s pretend they don’t exist, yeah?”

Louis sighs, slumping back in her chair as she shoves a handful of skips in her mouth but Liam still hears her quiet mumble of; “Yeah, ‘cause that’ll be easy.”

 

+

 

It’s actually surprisingly easy for Liam to avoid Zayn. She doesn’t see her anywhere, not in the common room or in the library. She doesn’t see her in the hallways or out on the field.

Liam wonders if maybe she’s avoiding her too.

But she tries not to think of that and tries to ignore the pang that flicks through her chest and just carries on with her life - carries on with her life without Zayn.

 

+

 

Harry is nothing like she expected. Harry is full of puns and raucous laughter; she’s long legs and flowing hair. She’s black nails and smoky eye shadow. She’s vicious at Mario Kart and crap at Fifa. She’s kind eyes and a soft smile.

Liam laughs as she watches Harry try to teach Louis to cook, not bothering to tell her how hopeless Louis is, figures she’ll let her figure it out on her own.

She’s nothing like Liam had expected. She’s something more.

Liam thinks, if there’s anyone perfect for Louis, it’s Harry.

 

+

 

It’s two in the morning when she gets the text; curled up in bed with netflix on as her phone pings, lighting up the room.

 _did u mean to kiss me?_ The text says and then a second later another ping; _do u regret it ?//_

Liam barely hesitates before replying, _should i regret it_

 _no_ says Zayn’s reply, _don’t regret me please_

 _i could never regret you,_ Liam types, firing off her reply with shaking fingers as her laptop still plays, wonders if Zayn’s drunk. Wonders if Zayn is going to regret _her_ in the morning.

 _okay,_ is Zayn’s reply, _i miss you_

Liam sighs to herself, _miss you too x_

 

+

 

She’s rambling - she knows she is. Twisting her fingers together as she sits on the sofa with her legs crossed underneath her. “I don’t know. She’s just so -”

“Jesus Christ, Li,” Louis says, “She’s literally taken over your whole life. She’s all you talk about - all you moan about. I’m sympathetic, really, I am. But, fucking hell, everything is about Zayn. It’s Zayn this, Zayn that.”

Liam goes still with her back straight. “Well,” she says with hard eyes, “what do _you_ want to talk about, Louis? Since you’re obviously so sick of my voice.”

“Liam,” Louis starts, her voice slow and calculated; “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean, Louis?” Liam says, her voice growing in pitch and she knows that she’s being irrational but it’s like - it’s like all of a sudden everything’s coming to the surface. “Do you want to talk about how you’re getting ready to set off to fucking London, of all place? Do you want to talk about the future?” She should stop, she can see the confusion and hurt brimming in Louis’ eyes. Liam can see the way Louis’ starting to throw up all her shields. She should stop before something breaks. But she can’t. “Just because we’re not talking about you and your life for once, doesn’t mean it’s not important. It’s fucking important to _me,_ Louis.”

Louis stands up and spits out a humourless laugh, “Right. Okay. Well, I don’t know why you’d want to be friends with me if all I care about is myself.”

Liam just sits there, her legs starting to go numb from where she’s still sitting on them. She’s twisting the bottom of her jumper in her hands as Louis grabs her keys and storms out of the house.

The door slams shut behind her and Liam tries to remember how to breathe.

The guilt consumes her body almost instantly and she holds back the sobs that are clawing up her throat. Liam moves so that she’s sitting with her back against the arm of the chair and pulls her legs against her chest, hugging them.

Grabbing her phone from beside her, she opens her contacts and dials a number.

“I fucked up,” Liam says as soon as the call connects; “Fuck - shit. Can you come over?”

“Uh,” Comes a voice that’s definitely not Zayn. Pulling the phone from her ear, she almost groans as she realises she’d called Harry instead; “Do you - I don’t know if you meant to call me but, um, I just finished my shift at the bakery and I’m about to leave. I’ve heard I’m quite the listener; I can come over if you would like?”

“I meant to call Zayn,” Liam says.

Harry laughs quietly; “I guessed.”

There’s a moment of silence before Liam nods her head; “Yeah - I, yeah. That would be nice.”

She sits on the sofa with her legs hugged to her chest and tries not to cry.

By the time Harry arrives on her doorstep with a bag in her hand and a sad, supportive smile on her face, Liam’s only managed to work herself into more of a frenzy.

“Do ya want a cookie?” Harry asks as she slips off her shoe before following Liam into the lounge. Her hair is in a bun and she has what looks suspiciously like Louis’ hoodie thrown over her head. With green eyes shining in the dim hall lighting, Liam feels herself start to fall apart.

“I - ” Liam starts, slumping onto the sofa with her head in her hands. Her hair falls in cascades down in front of her face and she shakes her head; “I upset Louis.”

“Okay,” Harry says, placing what Liam assumes in a bag of cookies from the bakery on the coffee table before sitting cross-legged on the sofa. “She’ll get over it.”

“What?” Liam says because that’s - that’s not at all what she expected.

“Louis loves you, Liam,” Harry says softly, “You know what she’s like, she’ll mope for a bit and pretend to be more angry that she is because her pride is important to her. But she’ll come around.”

And the thing is, Liam knows this. She knows how hard it is to truly upset Louis. She knows how hard it is to break their friendship (not that she has ever or will ever try). But yet, she still feels tears gathering in her eyes as she looks up at Harry.

“I’m _so_ scared,” Liam says, her voice wavering and she doesn’t know why she admits that - doesn’t know why it comes from her mouth, but there’s something about Harry’s eyes and her being that just makes her so easy to trust.

“What are you scared of?” Harry starts gently, placing a hand on Liam’s knee.

“Everything. The future. I don’t know,” Liam says before shaking her head once again and taking a deep, hitching breath; “I still have no idea what I’m doing to do next year, Harry. I’ve applied for uni but I can’t decide if I want to go or if I want to work. I don’t even know if I’ll get good enough results to get in. And I’m - I’m scared I’m going to lose Louis to the city and we’ll fall apart. I’m scared of coming out to people; of coming out to everyone I meet and everyone I know. I’m scared of the future and fucking up my exams and I’m scared that Zayn doesn't love me back because I really, really do love her but she doesn’t know.”

“Hey, hey,” Harry says, squeezing the hand on Liam’s knee, “You’re gonna be okay.”

“How do you know that?” Liam sighs even though she knows she’ll be okay - she _knows_ that, but it doesn’t stop her stomach from turning at the thought of life after school.

“Because,” Harry says, reaching forward and grabbing the cookies; “Louis loves you and school doesn’t define who you are and loads of people don’t even do A-Levels and they’re getting on just fine.” She pauses for a minute holding out the bag of cookies, “Also, you pretty much just came out to me, that wasn’t so hard.”

“Oh,” Liam says and all the fight drains from her body as she realises that yeah, she did do that. Accepting a cookie from Harry she lets a small smile cross her face and Harry just moves closer, cuddling up to her and tells her to turn the volume up.

“What episode is this?” Harry asks, munching on her chocolate chip cookie.

Liam shrugs; “I have no idea, I was too busy freaking out to pay attention.”

Harry just throws her arms around Liam’s shoulders and rests her head there. “You’re gonna be okay, Li, we’ll make sure of it.”

Liam just smiles and this time it’s a real one because she believes her.

 

+

 

 _Meant to call you last night,_ Liam types out on her phone, biting at her bottom lip before continuing, _called harry instead_

And thinking back to the night before and the arms wrapped around her and the laughter in her ears and the smiles in her eyes, Liam smiles slightly, _she’s nice._

 _i know she is,_ Zayn replies and Liam smiles as she reads the text; _that’s why i’m friends with her. why did u call?_

 _was upset,_ she types, _didn’t know who to talk to_

_what about louis?_

_we had an argument,_ Liam tries not to think of the hurt on Louis’ face before she had left last night, tries not to think about how she’s going to make it up to her.

_you okay?_

_yeah,_ Liam replies, her head hitting the pillow as she lays back on her bed, _not really  i don’t know_

 _you’ll be okay,_ Zayn replies, _if she’s anything like the girl you told me about on holiday, you’ll figure out a way to fix it_

 _i know,_ Liam texts, _i know._

 

+

 

“Hey Lou,” Liam says just as she answers the door; “Can we talk?”

She nods, her hair is slung up in a ponytail and she’s wearing her Nike trackies and her expression is sad.

“I’m sorry,” Liam says as soon as the bedroom door is closed behind them. “I was out of order and took everything out on you and that wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Louis says, sitting down on her bed; “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

“It’s stupid,” Liam says, shaking her head. “I’m being stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” Louis says.

“I feel like I am,” Liam says, sitting down next to Louis, resting her head on her shoulder; “I’m just stressing about everything and anything and I - I know it won’t happen but - I don’t want to lose you.”

“We’re best friends, Li,” Louis says, smiling, “We even have the necklaces to prove it.”

Liam laughs and it’s like a weight has lifted from her chest.

“Alright, the girls wanna bake a cake and you’re gonna help me,” Louis says.

“You mean,” Liam grins, standing up, “I’m gonna make the cake with your sisters whilst you just eat the mixture?”

“Of course, as if we’d do it any other way.”

 

+

 

Things start to change and it goes a little like this;

Liam: hey what’s that song called that goes dun dun dun dun dun dun

Liam: nvrmind it’s all american rejects

Liam: opinions???

Zayn: on the song or the band?

Zayn: cos i have to be honest i don’t know what song ur talkin abt

Liam: it’s called i wanna go listen!!!

Zayn: okay!!!!

Liam: do u like it?

Zayn: not really my thing but yeah i do actually

Liam: woohoooo

 

It goes a little like this;

Zayn: waliyha just broke my new eyeshadow :(

Liam: nooooo what colour?

Zayn: the sparkly silver one

Liam: but that one was so pretty!

Zayn: i know she said she’d buy me a new one but i feel bad so i guess i’ll just have to try and squash it back together

Liam: haha! sounds like a plan

 

It goes a little like this;

Liam: u looked really pretty today at school

Zayn: thanks so did you

Liam: really?

Zayn: always

 

It goes a little like this;

Zayn: haz just sung us a song abt a girl with “sparkling blue eyes and the prettiest laugh and softest skin”

Zayn: 3 guesses as to who it’s about

Zayn: we’re a bit drunk

Liam: lou sung me a song that had like a million references to green eyes huh

Zayn: i wonder…..

 

+

 

They turn up on Harry Styles’ doorstep with a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bag of Kettle Chips and some party rings. Louis pressing down on the doorbell until they hear a commotion of the other side, ignoring Liam poking her sides.

“Hi!” Harry drawls, grinning as she opens door before hugging the both of them. Liam most definitely notices the way she clings a beat too long to Louis before pulling back and the way the both of them have slight blushes on their cheeks.

“We brought alcohol and food,” Louis says, grabbing Liam’s wrist so she can hold up the tesco as if for proof.

“Yes, girls,” a voice comes from the hallway and as they step inside and toe off their shoes (Liam’s placed perfectly next to each other whilst Louis just flings hers on top of Liam’s) they find Zayn and Niall sitting on the staircase.

“We have wine,” Zayn says, shrugging as she smiles bashfully over at Liam.

“Cool,” Liam replies, smiling back.

“Right,” Niall says, getting to her feet before grabbing the bag from Liam’s hand and gesturing towards the four girls; “This is not happening, I am not a fifth-wheel.”

Harry laughs, pulling her gaze from Louis and skips over to Niall, pulling her into a hug as she pulls her along the corridor and into what Liam assumes is the kitchen. “Let’s get crunk!”

Zayn laughs; “Please never say that again, H.”

“Let’s get crunk!” Niall shouts, giggling as she pulls a bottle of wine and coke from the fridge and Zayn groans.

Liam follows Harry and Niall into the kitchen after watching as Louis pulls Zayn aside. She doesn’t want to hear what Louis says, doesn’t want to know and doesn’t have a right to know, so she leaves them alone.

Despite it being Liam’s fault, she can’t help but hope that they will be alright because Liam really, really wants her two best girls to be friends. (And they are).

With the five of them sitting around the kitchen table with music on in the background, they drink and share the party rings around.

“So,” Niall begins, taking a sip of her JD and coke, “How did you two meet?”

“Huh?” Zayn says, shaking her head (not so discreetly at Niall).

“Oh, come off it, you knew each other before you met at school.”

“How do you even know that?” Zayn says, frowning.

“Ha!” Niall says, laughing gleefully, “I didn’t, just took a guess. But you just confirmed it. So let’s ‘av it, what’s the story?”

“We met on holiday in Portugal,” Liam says suddenly, tracing her finger around the rim of her wine glass, smiling shyly; “We stayed in the same hotel.”

“Ooh lala,” Harry sings, giggling into Louis’ shoulder, “Summer romance?”

“Something like that,” Liam says, her eyes flickering over to Zayn, who has a small smile on her face.

“This is _so_ Grease,” Louis says suddenly, her eyes wide open before she takes a gulp from her glass.

“Summer lovin’,” Harry sings over the music playing from the speakers, “Had me a blast…”

She gestures at the others until they join in singing with her and Liam manages to giggle her way through the rest of the song, messing up the lyrics (unlike Louis, Harry and Niall) as she keeps her gaze stuck on Zayn.

Liam feels happiness bubbling up in her chest and she can’t stop the grin that spreads across her face as they all sing in harmony.

By the time they’ve finished all their alcohol, they’re spread across the trampoline that’s in Harry’s back garden in sleeping bags. The world is spinning slightly as Liam lays there between Louis and Zayn, giggling at something Niall had said.

It’s there that they fall asleep, on the trampoline all squashed together, one by one after sharing stories and laughter as they watch the stars twinkle above them. Wrapped in their sleeping bags, the cold beginning to seep through, Liam smiles when she drifts off to sleep because tonight was perfect in every sense of the word.

 

+

 

It continues a little like this;

Liam: Weather in England tomorrow

Liam: shit sorry i meant to ask siri

Zayn: well england is quite big you might be better off being a bit more specific

Liam: :(

Liam: do u know what the weathers gonna be like?

Zayn: no idea

Liam: guess i’ll just wear jeans then

 

And this;

Zayn: u seen main hoon na?

Liam: no? what’s that

Zayn: bollywood film

Zayn: you should watch it we’re watching it now

Liam: is it on netflix?

Zayn: prob not

Zayn: i have the dvd if you want to watch it

Liam: that would be cool!

Liam: thanks!!!

Zayn: no problem :) x

 

Then this;

Liam: my parents are away this weekend

Zayn: ok?

Liam: ummm do u want to come round?

Liam: i’ll cook for you and everything

Zayn: how romantic

Zayn: sounds lovely :)

Liam: see you saturday?

Zayn: see you then

 

+

 

“My mum _sucks_ ,” Zayn says as she toes her shoes off in the porch, lining her dirty white converse up against Liam’s pristine ones.

Liam laughs nervously before pulling Zayn into the house; “No she doesn’t.”

“She does when she’s telling my entire extended family how because I’m taking A-Level art, all of my art is amazing.”

“But it is, though,” Liam says, gesturing for Zayn to sit on one the kitchen stools before turning her back and opening the fridge; “Spag Bowl alright?”

“Perfect,” Zayn replies, propping her elbows up on the worktop and resting her chin on her hands.

Liam dumps the bolognese that her dad had left for her on the counter before boiling the kettle; “You want a cuppa?”

She looks over her shoulder to find Zayn directly behind her, reaching up into the cupboard above Liam’s head to grab two mugs. She’s pressed right up against Liam, who feels her breath hitch in her throat - memories and memories hit her at once and she finds it hard to breathe.

“I can make the tea, babe,” Zayn says, her voice quiet in the silent house and Liam shivers.

“Yeah?” Liam says, her mind blank as Zayn wraps her arms around Liam’s waist for a split second, before stepping away.

“Of course,” she says, grinning mischievously as Liam starts grabbing saucepans from the cupboards; “Ain’t exactly hard, is it?”

Liam breathes out a huff of laughter and shakes her head, her hair falling in front of her face. They both move in silence, Liam turning on the hob and Zayn tinkering with the mugs as she makes the tea.

“This awkward, isn’t it,” Liam says, her voice quiet; “I didn’t want it to be like this.”

Neither of them turn around as Zayn replies, “Well,” she says, “Now you’ve gone and made it awkward.

Despite herself and the tension in the air, Liam laughs and it’s like something’s lifted and Liam can breathe properly again.

“They want me to do the Mehndi designs for my cousin’s wedding,” Zayn says, sliding the tea across the worktop; “Three sugars, right?”

“Mmhmm,” Liam hums as she starts boiling the pasta; “Mehndi? Like - Henna, yeah?”

Zayn hums in agreement as she takes a sip of her tea, “Yeah, my cousin wants me to do _her_ Henna. They want me to do the Bride’s henna just because I take A-Level art.” She scoffs a laugh.

Liam frowns, turning away from the oven, pushing the sleeves of her cardigan up to her elbows; “Do you not want to do it then?”

Zayn sighs, sliding onto the kitchen stool with her hands wrapped around her tea. Her hair falls over her face as she shakes her head, the long strands shining in the kitchen light. “I don’t know, Li. I just don’t want to mess it up.”

“You won’t,” Liam says, reaching over the worktop and tucking Zayn’s hair behind her ear; “We can practice.”

A smile tilts the corners of Zayn’s lips as she looks up at Liam, “Can I practice on you?”

“Yeah” Liam replies in a soft voice as a light pink blush dusts her cheeks. Because, she thinks to herself as she turns back to their dinner, she’d do anything for this girl. She’d take on the entire world if only she asked. But she doesn’t ask for any of it - she never would. “Of course you can.”

And Zayn hums into her mug, her eyes twinkling as she watches Liam heat up the bolognese. She can feel her heavy gaze on her back, but she just grins to herself, stirring the pasta.

 

+

 

They sit at the dining room table with newspaper spread over the polished wood and the lights bright above them. It’s silent except for their breathing and the soft rustle of paper.

Liam watches Zayn is awe, her tongue stuck out slightly as she concentrates on the swirls and patterns she’s staining onto Liam’s skin. She watches as Zayn focuses completely on what she’s doing with short strands of hair that have escaped the quickly put up bun falling down in front of her face.

“Here,” Liam says, lifting her other hand and brushing the hair behind her ear.

Zayn pauses for a moment and looks up, smiling softly in thanks. “I guess I’m not so bad at this after all.”

“As if you would be,” Liam says, smiling back at her.

They fall into a comfortable silence as Zayn works, pressing the liquid onto Liam’s skin in an intricate design.

“Can I do a bit on you?” Liam asks once Zayn’s finished.

“Alright,” she says, grinning.

With her tongue stuck out and a frown on her face, Liam tries to figure out how to do it and with Zayn’s help she manages.

“Did you just - did you write your name on my arm?” Zayn asks, laughing.

Liam shrugs; “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.”

“Alright then, gimme your arm,” Zayn says, grabbing the henna and Liam’s arm.

Liam giggles as Zayn traces her own name onto the skin on Liam’s forearm. She looks up once she’s finished, a cheeky, sly smile on her face and Liam leans forward.

Slotting their lips together, Liam smiles. The kiss is awkward with the both of them smiling into it but they make it work. Or, they try.

It’s soft and sweet and it doesn’t make Liam think of summer and salt and the taste of Malibu on theirs lips. It makes her think of chocolate and bolognese and white wine. It makes her think of drawing on each others skin under the bright lights of her dining room.

It’s here and it’s now.

 

+

 

After watching Iron Man, they both wash the henna from their skin, picking it off until all that’s left is the designs underneath. Their arms are traced with dark brown patterns looking similar to tattoos but not quite.

Sitting on Liam’s bed, Zayn traces the designs with her fingertips, grinning to herself and Liam thinks she may be the most beautiful she’s ever looked.

“I think I’m half in love with you,” Liam says and although her voice is soft, her hands are shaking slightly. Her gaze is strong and unwavering as she watches Zayn. Zayn, who stills in surprise, her eyes shining with emotion. Her hair flowing over one shoulder, shining in the dim moonlight that’s creeping through the cracks between the curtains, and Liam just wants to reach out and touch.

“Yeah?” Zayn whispers into the silence, her voice cracking slightly - the only sign of her own nervousness.

Liam reaches a hand over slowly, tangling her fingers in Zayn’s silky hair; “Yeah,” she repeats, smiling shyly.

It’s like something clicks all of a sudden - a spark ignites - and Zayn’s moving in a rush. Her face is impossibly close to Liam’s with a blinding smile on her face. She’s so close Liam could probably count all of her individual eyelashes and can see the streaks in the browns of her eyes. Liam feels something burst in her chest; her heartbeat running in a race she’s already won. The butterflies in her stomach won’t go away, fluttering as her hands begin to clam up.

But she doesn’t move, barely breathes, doesn’t say a single word.

“Me too,” Zayn says as she straddles Liam’s lap; “Li - ”

And they’re kissing. Zayn pressing her lips to Liam’s in a desperate urgency, pressing herself closer and closer. Liam drops the hand that was tangled in her hair to her waist, as Zayn frames Liam’s face with both of hers. Her touch soft on her skin, gentle despite the frantic movements of their lips.

Liam lets her mouth fall open, let’s Zayn take control as they fall backwards onto the bed, Zayn’s hands tangled in the roots of Liam’s brunette hair. Their tongues tangling together as Liam slides her hands down Zayn’s sides, brushing over the skin that’s just underneath the hem of her tee.

She slides her hands down, lower and lower, until she’s cupping her arse, pulling her impossibly closer. Zayn moans against Liam’s lips, the sound airy and soft, her body moving with Liam’s as she let’s her push her around.

Liam moves one hand - dragging up underneath Zayn’s shirt; tickling the skin lightly causing Zayn to let out a breathless giggle. Liam smiles against her lips as she gradually moves her hand up her back.

“Off?” She mumbles against Zayn’s lips, her other hand tugging at the hem.

Zayn nods and sits up causing Liam’s hand to fall from her spine as she pulls her tee over her head, to reveal a black, lacey bra. Liam’s heart stops for a moment and her breath hitches as she stares at Zayn, who has a wolfish grin on her face. Her eyes are dark; pupils blown wide, when she places her hands on Liam’s hips, slowly sliding them upwards.

Her eyes are shining in question and Liam just nods in reply as she lets Zayn pulls her shirt off of her body.

Leaning back down, Zayn braces her arms either side of Liam’s head before pressing their lips together again. Liam responds enthusiastically, biting down gently on Zayn’s bottom lip and pulling on it slightly.

“Fuck,” Zayn moans, and Liam feels like her body is on fire with Zayn’s hands touching everywhere. She barely breathes as Zayn kisses down the column of her neck, sucking and biting.

Liam can feel Zayn’s breasts against her skin and she almost shivers. She does shiver, letting out a breathless laugh too, as Zayn trails her hands down Liam’s sides until they’re resting on the top of her cotton shorts.

“Yours too,” Liam whispers, her voice stuttering slightly as Zayn unzips her own skirt first, before pulling it off her body. Liam barely get’s a chance to look at her, only gets a glance at her matching black knickers before Zayn’s pulling at the shorts around her own hips and Liam’s kicking them off.

“Nice underwear,” Zayn says, giggling slightly and Liam looks down her face growing red as she remembers the wonder woman knickers she had put on this morning. “Although,” she says, smiling as she traces a finger on Liam’s inner thigh; “I much prefer Black Widow to Wonder Woman.”

“Shut up,” Liam says, laughing as she throws her hands over her face.

She feels Zayn crawl back up her body, pressing light kisses along her stomach and chest as she goes. She grasps Liam’s arms and pulls them away from her face, the smile still on her face; “I happen,” she places another kiss on Liam’s body, this time on the side of her neck, “to find them,” another kiss, “very sexy,” she whispers into Liam’s lips, smiling softly.

“Shut up,” Liam repeats, her smile growing.

“Hey,” Zayn says, “I love you.”

Liam grins and she feels like her heart could burst; “I love you, too.” 

Liam feels Zayn’s hands on her skin, sliding down her body leaving sparks in her trail. Keeps going until she’s brushing against Liam’s clit and she’s moaning against Zayn’s lips.

All she can feel and all she can taste is Zayn; everything is Zayn.

She arches her body up slightly as Zayn grins into her mouth, “Fuck, Zayn,” she moans.

And Zayn doesn’t stop moving her fingers causing Liam to feel like she’s on fire. Her head is thrown back against the pillow and her neck is bared and Zayn can’t resist - can never resist. She presses her lips to Liam’s neck, biting and sucking as she moves her fingers deeper.

Sliding a finger inside, Liam moans loudly, the sounds vibrating off the walls and she feels Zayn grinning against her neck. She doesn’t stop moving her hand, pressing deeper as she kisses Liam’s lips, swallowing her moans. Liam’s writhing beneath her, unable to keep still.

Zayn presses another finger inside, moving them in rhythm and Liam’s letting out short, breathless gasps.

Her body is tingling and she never wants this feeling to stop; wants to feel Zayn’s hands on her, in her, all the time. Through her lust-filled gaze, Liam reaches her own hands down, cupping Zayn’s breast with one and leaving the other one to keep moving.

Zayn bites down on Liam’s bottom lip just as Liam finds her clit, keeps rubbing until Zayn can’t help the moan that’s pulled from her throat. She keeps rubbing there as Zayn scissors her fingers, the two of them moaning into the night. 

They come at the same time, gasping into each others mouths unable to stop moving. Wanting to be closer as they mumble their “love you”s into skin; wanting to be touching everywhere as they reach their climax.

Zayn pulls her fingers back, wiping them on the duvet with a cheeky, tired grin and slumps down next to Liam. She rests her head on Liam’s chest as Liam drags her own fingers through Zayn’s hair.

“We should probably clean up,” Liam says in a whisper, not wanting to break the silent too harshly.

“Probably,” Zayn replies with a yawn. (They don’t.)

They fall asleep there, legs tangled and bodies intertwined as they share body head.

They fall asleep with smiles on their faces.

 

+

 

“I’m gonna make a bacon sarnie,” Liam says, getting up from the bed, stretching; “Want any?”

Zayn sits up, the duvet falling from her chest and the too-big tee falling off of her bare shoulder. She’s wearing a frown on her face and Liam’s stomach clenches because what could she have already done wrong?

“What’d I say?” Liam says, digging her toe into the carpet.

Zayn smiles as if slightly endeared, “Babe,” she says as she swings her legs off the bed; “I don’t eat pig.”

“Oh,” Liam says, sighing in relief and then, “Oh! You - because… Oh!”

Zayn laughs as she pulls the t-shirt down so that it just about covers her knickers; “It’s alright, I can just have eggs or something?”

“Sure,” Liam smiles and Zayn walks over to her, leaning up and pressing a kiss to the corner of Liam’s lips. She’s pulling away quickly, but not before grabbing Liam’s hand and pulling her out of her bedroom door.

“Hey,” Zayn says, stopping them when they’re at the bottom of the stairs; “Last night was really kind of amazing.”

Liam tries to hide her smile in her shoulder, her hair falling over her face. “Yeah,” she says, “It really was.”

 

+

 

And even if her hands are shaking as they walk into school together, Zayn just grasps her hand in her and the tremor subsides slightly.

With Zayn by her side and her friends waiting for them, Liam feels infinite and she finally feels like the girl she wants to be.

 

 


End file.
